Piranha 3-D: Review

I was really pumped to see this but people have been telling me to just watch this online because the faggot Malaysian Censorship Board cut out the best bits of the film on the count of that the nation will go crazy watching a gory fish movie.

Given that I saw this through a computer in bad image and sound quality and the absence of 3-D, Piranha is still fucking blood awesome. 3 words. Boobs. Blood. Carcasses.  This movie is one of the very few flicks this year that actually delivered what it promised.

Piranha 3-D is as dumb as B movies go and you know what, I bet you not a single fucking person who watches this will care. It's about prehistoric killer piranhas that comes out of a lake within a lake after some seismic activity and they are now about to engage in an awesome gorefest with a spring break load of douchbags and naked chicks.

Oh my God was I having the time of my life watching this. Piranha recaptures the B movie spirit and genre, of bad acting, poor logic, cheesy dialog and tonnes and tonnes of shameless exploitation. Anyone who goes into this movie expecting to see something other than that needs to get their heads examined. This was the film us horny, dumb as fuck, gore fantasizing pubescent boys deserved.

But Piranha does have it's moments of wit, mostly paying homages and spoofs to classic 80's monster movies. The opening sequence of the film had me in a geekgasm when someone started whistling the Jaws theme song and then we find out that it is Richard Dreyfuss whistling. Pure uber awesomeness. And many 80's icons make appearances in here like Dr. Emmet Brown of Back To The Future being his usual eccentric self.

And to reveal how much I watch porn, there are hell of a lot of porn stars in this movie. Ashlynn Brooke is in this, Riley Steele has a big part here and Gianna Michaels and all of them had some of the best death scenes in this fucking movie. The number of tits flashed in this movie is unreal. There is probably 1:3 ration of boobs:piranhas in this. Everywhere the camera turns, tits, tits, tits, tits and tits.

I respect the filmmakers of this film for recognizing that what they were making was bullshit and they waste no time trying to explain themselves and the let the gore do the talking. The last 20 minutes of this film is probably the most gory bloody mess of an ending I have ever seen in any torture porn film I have had the pleasure of watching in all my life. That scene will go down in history my friends.

And what adds to how great this film is is that we have a star cast of Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry O' Connell, Eli Roth and Kelly Brooke, and you can tell that none of them are giving a rats ass about this. They all know their in a bad movie so they went along with it and intentionally fucked up their lines which is what makes their acting in this so gut wrenchingly hilarious. You know, like something that is so bad to the point it's laughably good.

And I know this is very unlike me because I mainly enjoy movies with sound plots and good characters but I have to judge Piranha 3-D in the context that it was made, which was supposed to be a really bad B film with fantastic gore scenes. That's what I went to see, and that's what I got.

Wait for this film to go on DVD. Get a bunch of friends, a lot of alcohol, check your brains at the door and watch this. The story is forgettable, the massacre isn't.

Rating: 8/10

Camp Rock 2 The Final Jam: Review

Ironic really how things have played out since the last Camp Rock review. Not only am I now part of the over unoriginal failing corporation that is Disney..... I actually thought this movie was good.

Now before you start saying I've sold out because Disney is paying me, let me say that I went into this movie with every intention of writing a bad review about it. But if a movie has focus, character development, story flow and a few okay songs, how can I say it's bad just because I wanted it to be bad. For a movie with The Jonas Brothers in it, Camp Rock 2 was surprisingly entertaining.

Camp Rock 2 is still pretty much High School Musical if the cast of Glee moved into the school next to them. A new camp called Camp Star filled with fake ass over-produced singers has opened on the opposite site of Camp Rock's lake and is threatening it's business. So Demi Lovato and the Jonas Brothers challenges the stars of Camp Star to a final showdown on live TV to decide which camp will earn it's sole place on the lake. And if you are relying on the Jonas Brothers to win a talent contest for you..... you know your in deep shit.

Camp Rock 2 does so much better than it's predecessor because the writers finally gave the audience a clear and threatening villain. This is a battle movie. It's an us versus them movie. Simple, focused, clear and we actually care. In the last movie, the real threat was, "Oh, the campers are gonna find out I'm a poor girl. Oh I will be like so embarrassed." And it does help when the Camp Star singers are no-talent, big ego douchebags.

And being a kids movie, Camp Rock 2 does present a very nice theme of raw talent vs Hollywood. The film deals a lot with over consumerism, smothering promotion and overrated talent which really surprised me to find all of these being talked about by Disney of all people. Ironic. It's like a drug dealer telling kids not to do coke.

And another thing that Disney has done better in this is that we actually have real character development. They took all the supporting actors from the last film and gave them one specific area of talent and they are immediately transformed from talking extras to identifiable characters. Every one of the minor roles are memorable because they had something that made them stand out. And the one who stood out the most was Nick Jonas.

Nick Jonas has finally proven what I have been saying all this while that he is the most talented out of the Jonas Brothers and needs to get as far away as he humanly can from his two blood sucking brothers. While everyone else was being all we must defeat them Camp Star, Jonas actually managed to pull of a very convincing Pocahontas romance side story with another girl character from Camp Star. He is by no means a good actor but this guy has a natural personality that is leading role material. I'd love to see him do an anti hero character next time like Rebel Without A Cause because he has that quality. Plus the little fucker can sing.

But the blarring bullshit that kept pissing me off about this is the fucking music. The film at it's simplest pits rock music against pop music. Which would be nice if the producers understood what the fuck rock music is. If this was trully sincerely Camp Rock, Demi Lovato would be Hailey Williams, the Jonas Brothers would be Muse, the campers would be the cast of American Idiot and the camp would be run by Mick Jagger.

We have these characters go on and on about how much better and pure the spirit of rock and roll is but they are singing Hannah Montana-esque crap music. Don't get me wrong, these people are good singers, but they aren't the type's of singers you'd have for "Camp Rock." And if you thought the lip syncing in Glee was bad, ZOMG was it terrible here.

So.. better than what Disney's been making so far. Not about to throw a parade celebrating this though. I'll probably forget all about this in a week.

RATING: 6/10

Watchmen The Complete Motion Comic: Review

When I saw Watchmen last year, I thought it was amazing. Absolutely groundbreakingly fantastic cinema piece. And then I tell it to my friends who read the comics and they go, "No it's shit compared to the graphic novel."

And I'm like really? The movie was pretty fucking awesome. So I get around to reading the comic and after a few chapters I stop, I just can't read it. I's so long, the narratives are incredibly contrived, I'm just one of those people who enjoy watching narratives instead of reading them. Then I get introduced to this, Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic, and I now see what my friends were talking about. It's amazing.

Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comic is basically the entire Watchmen saga, being taken straight out of the comic books, line for line, frame for frame, animated, scored and voiced over and put into a two-disc special feature of 6 hour awesomeness. The plot of the Motion Comic is the bare skeleton of the Watchmen movie which we all saw, but includes deeper character development and side stories.

Now, the comics were written during the 80's capturing a world in the turbulent 1960's where masked vigilantes exist and how they effect the time line of history in the real world. The mythology that Alan Moore created in his graphic novel is just so... advanced for it's time. Cleverly balancing superhero mythology with real world history and war. Watchmen was and is a bold social statement against establishment, corruption and violence.

The DVD costs RM39.90 at any Speedy outlet, and Imma tell you, it's one of the most value for money buys I've made in my entire DVD collection. It's main feature is 6 hours long, telling the complete story of Watchmen in ways the film could never do in it's conventional running time. It has two extra short films which are Under The Hood and Tales of the Black Freighter, both of which make brief appearances in the original graphic novel. And to top it all off, an in depth documentary of Watchmen and the making of the film.

As for the works in the motion comic itself, I felt that this feature did more justice to Watchmen compared to the blockbuster film. It had more feeling, story and the dark tone of Watchmen Alan Moore intended it to have whilst the film was a highly stylized version choosing to highlight the action and slow motion sequences more than the story.

In fact I think this format of Watchmen works even better than the graphic novel itself, making it more accessible to reading impaired retards like myself. Especially when the story splits into the events of Watchmen, Tales of the Black Freighter and the Pyramid Deliveries narrative. While it could become confusing reading three stories happening in the same frame of a comic book, having it play out like a movie in the motion comic was nothing short of genius.

My one complaint about the motion comic is that it only has one voice actor. And he does the voices for every single character in the book. Even the fucking females! Silk Spectre II sounded like a fucking guy in this. Major erection killer. But I gotta say, the voice actor, Tom Stechschulte is one talented guy. He can do Nixon, New Yorker, Indian, Chinese, Rorschach, Dr. Manhattan, Latino even African American.

Run out and buy this people. It would be the single most geekiest, awesomest experience of your life.

RATING: 9/10