Jonah Hex | Review

My.Brain.Can.Literally.Explode.From.The.Shittyness.Of.This.Movie.

First of... Josh Brolin is wearing a vagina on his face. Second.. this movie makes Wild Wild West look like a western epic. Thank God I didn't pay for this movie.

Jonah Hex is based on a comic book by Marvel about an ex-confederate soldier who's wife and son was murdered by his old commander, Quinton Turnbold for defying his orders and brands his face with his mark, hence the vagina. After being revived by Red Indians, he becomes a mythical soldier of fortune with powers to talk to the dead. Now he is called upon by the U.S government to stop Turnbold from unleashing a weapon of mass destruction on the world.

Oh and notice how I didn't mention Megan Fox in the plot at all? That's because she was only in 3 scenes and only 1 of it had purpose to the story. Her character in Jonah Hex is probably one of the most de minimis characters in movie history. It's as if the producers told the writer, "OMG we have Megan Fox for our movie!" And the writer went, "Uh.. but she's not in the script." And the producer goes, "Ohhh you'll find a way to put her in."

The film is directed by Jimmy Hayward who was one of the starting animators at Pixar and I wonder what the hell did they ever see in him. First of, the guy's direction is that of a retard. The opening animation sequence of Jonah Hex is so poorly done coming from the man who animated Toy Story. And you can tell that he is barely trying to make this movie even mildly tolerable.

What you gotta know about this movie is that it is 70 minutes long. It barely qualifies as a feature film. The first 2/3 of the movie is slightly entertaining with incoherent plot mixed with mindless but distracting explosions and action sequences, but it is the final act of the film that made my brain cells become suicidal. It's as if Hayward shot the whole movie in 45 minutes and realized he needed to pt more stuff in to make the film longer, so he grabbed the camera and asked Josh Brolin to start fighting a character I could have sworn he killed 15 minutes ago.

Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex was a decent choice of casting and he did try to make his character less campy as it was intended to. He gave Jonah Hex a dark approach which sadly didn't go with any of the outlandish settings and characters he has to work around with. It's like taking Christian Bale's Batman and dropping him in Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin.

You know what? Jonah Hex really isn't far off from Batman. We got the dark anti-hero character, a black assistant who makes cool ass weapons and a vehicle/horse with guns strapped to the side. Only difference is the director of Batman made Inception, The Dark Knight and The Prestige. The director of Jonah Hex made Horton Hears A Who. See any problems?

Let's not waste anymore time with this mess and get to the pointless rating.

RATING: 3/10