Vampires Suck: Review

Thank God for this movie. Not since The Last Airbender have I gone on a fuck rampage this severe.

Good ol' Friedberg and Seltzer. The dynamic duo who brought us such instant classics as Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie, have returned once again to present their latest piece of shit, Vampires Suck. Actually, coming from someone who has seen all their films, these fuckers are getting better. Too bad it doesn't mean a God damn thing. It's like saying I had a good bowel movement instead of diarrhea, it's still shit at the end.

Vampire Sucks is basically a parody of the Twilight and New Moon. And just to solidify how fucking awful this movie is, Vampire Sucks is is no league better than the movies it is spoofing. This is going to be the only time I say this. Twilight is a better film than this one. Hell, I got more laughs watching Twilight than sitting through this piece of fucking shit.

I'm putting out the call to all you readers right now. The only way we can save this industry is to end the rot that is Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. If it takes death to stop them, so be it. I am offering the money I have earned from Waktu Rehat (my television show) to the first person who chokes the life out of those two motherfuckers. Friedberg and Seltzer, fuck you! Fuck you, fuck your mothers, fuck your fathers, fuck your wives, your sons, your daughters.

These men don't practice the same craft as P.T Anderson or Frank Capra or Christopher Nolan or Steven Spielberg or Jean-Piere Jeunet or Uwe Boll or the Wayan Brothers or Brett Ratner or a 12 year old girl taking shaky videos on her camera phone or a bear who turns on a video camera by accident while trying to eat it. They are not filmmakers. They are evil doers. Charlatans. The symbol of modern day civilization's decline in intellect.

Throughout this whole movie, they were just blatantly making references to pop culture figures and trying to pass it off as fucking comedy. There is an Alice in Wonderland scene that wasn't funny, made no fucking sense, didn't fit in any fucking way into the context of the film and wasn't even delivered properly. For one hour, it was just some douchebag pointing offscreen and going, "Oh look. It's Alice from Alice in Wonderland." "Oh look. It's Lady Gaga." "Oh look. It's Jersey Shore." What any of these things have the slightest of affiliations with the Twilight series is beyond me.

And if it's not a pop culture reference joke, they'd have people either being hit by a shovel, hit by a door, farting, burping, girls dancing in their underwear, people dancing to the latest pop song and more farting. How sad is it if the finest quality of humor your film can offer is a fart joke. These guy's aren't even trying. I swear to God anyone of you could come up with a better joke than these motherfuckers.

And despite how shitty their movies are, they will still be made and there will still be a large multitude of fuck faces who will go to see them. I saw with my own eyes last night in the cinema. A room full of dumb as fuck Malaysians laughing and cheering for this movie as if it was the greatest piece of entertainment they have ever saw. Normally I don't judge unrelated people in a review, but MY GOD. YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID. I am literally ashamed to breath the same air as you fuck shit assholes. Uneducated, uncultured pieces of fuck.

It's times like these  wonder why I even bother with a movie blog trying to get people to see movies that are actually trying to make their mark. Genuine filmmakers and craftsman who work long hours with little to no pay to make something that would matter. And here comes these two idiots, banging out a script written by a 4 year old, and they get the theatrical releases. They get the audience laughs. They get the money. Where is the justice people?

I'm not even gonna bother with a rating. I just want to say to whoever who actually find this funny. I pity you.

Splice: Review

Now, if you were the Oscar winning team of Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley and you couldn't produce a sexier abomination of science than those two idiots from Weird Science.... you're movie is going to have problems.

Now I'm not saying this movie is bad, it just wasn't that pleasant to watch. Splice is about Clive and Elsa, two married genetic engineers who are working on crossing DNAs to create new life forms with medical cures for some big corporation to sell. But just out of the love of science, the two decided to cross these life form DNA with human DNA creating Dren. A really freaky looking monkey-bat-scorpion chick. Soon enough they develop a parent-daughter relationship with Dren but it soon becomes clear that they can't understand let alone contain this dangerous new creature they've brought into the world.

I'm not gonna talk much about Adrien Brody or Sarah Polley. We all know they are fantastic actors and they did work wonderfully together in this film. They made the film, with some of it's outlandish, what the fuck is this plot moments somewhat believable. The director was really really lucky he had those two to navigate this movie, cause it could have easily gone a mess.

I'm really on the fence with Splice. At some points I kinda like this movie, but there are some parts I really really loath. First off, this whole film is a homage to classic sci fi and monster flicks. Splice borrows heavy influences from classics like The Fly,  Rosemary's Baby, The Brood and Frankenstein. Get it? Clive and Elsa-Frankenstein Get it? Get it? Splice's directing and writing style also has a very Cronnenberg vibe to it as well, which is kinda cool. The director really knows his movies.

I have no problem with Splice paying respect to classics. It just didn't do it very well. It came off not so much as referencing or paying tribute as it was ripping off. There are scenes in this which can't talk about cause it'll spoil the film, where I just couldn't help but cringe and go, "Fuck no way, Did they just- yeah they did. C'mon!"

But one thing that I can't argue about this is that Splice is a really well written film. Given the pacing is a little slow, this movie really scars you. Splice crosses every ethical bound known to man. There are things that goes on in the film that is just flat out wrong. I'm sitting and watching this right, and the development between the three characters flow really well, really fast and really fucked up, that when it got to the final act of the movie, I was kinda rooting for Dren.

And yes, nothing captured the traumatizing experience of Splice better than Delphine Chaneac's portrayal of Dren. This is why I'm so split on this film. Cause on one side, I really feel bad for her. Born into a world as an abominationa and a life she doesn't fully understands. She damaged goods. She's a blemish. And you feel that from her performance, which is largely nonverbal role that requires a lot of pantomime and physicality, but she succeeds at establishing an emotional connection between the viewer and this fantastical character without ever becoming too silly or maudlin.

Then on the other side, I'm kinda freaked out by her. Because I know what she is. And what she is capable of. Now without all that make up, Chaneac's a pretty hot French model. But I just can't look at her without being scared for some reason. Weird.

Most disappointing was the final act of the film where I kinda felt the story ditched it's Cronnenberg inspiration and opted for the traditional monster movie ending. It goes from being a cerebral horror film to one of the "Look out! Run!!!" variety. An incredibly mediocre, lazy end to a film that could have stirred a lot of debate after.

But for all it's worth, Splice is in the better half of movies I've seen this year. Creepy, well acted and thought provoking. A memorable film.

RATING: 6.5/10

Tekken: Review

The legendary PlayStation game finally gets it's movie adaptation. What the fuck is this?!

Now I wasn't a big fan of Tekken but I have played the original game a couple of times before. Enough to know who the characters were and a little bit about the stories.I don't know if this is just being that they year 2010 is an absolutely shit time for movies, but Tekken is yet another addition to this years collection of terrible terrible films that I can not unsee.

The story of Tekken really fluctuates here and there but from what I can make out of the lump of mess that is this movie, it follows Jin Kazama in a post apocalyptic universe where the world is ruled over by a giant conglomerate called the Tekken Corporation. In order to keep the nation in order, the corporation organizes an Iron Fist tournament where fighters square off for a chance to receive lifetime stardom and wealth. But when Jin's mother is killed and he finds a Tekken Fighter I.D in her belongings. Our jolly old boy goes," Hey! I should enter the tournament and find out why my mommy has this I.D tag." Whoopeee!"

And if your plot is as baseless as that, how the hell do you expect to make it out of a 1 hour 30 minute movie alive? And I don't know if it is just bad writing or that the director just doesn't give a shit, but the storyline of Tekken changes the second it hits the 15 minute mark and goes from boy investigating why mommy had Tekken Fighter I.D to boy wanting revenge for mommy for no apparent reason to boy fighting other guys to save Brazillian McHotpants to boy fighting evil boss guy for the hope of the world.

Tekken is by very definition a movie that would have gone straight to VHS in the 80's. The writing and plot of the film is such a mess that it is severely laughable. And the biggest joke is that I don't think the Malaysian audience that was watching this film in the same cinema as me even noticed that the storyline changed a hundred times. Those guys were having their minds blown out of their nuts. No wonder our politicians can change their stories a billion times. Cause them normal folk are too dumb to give a fuck.

The actors were atrocious. Firstly the girls in this movie look nothing like their video game counterparts and I swear I think one of them used to be a dude. The personalities and stories of the characters are completely non-aligned with the video game. Never have I ever remembered Nina and Anna Williams liking each other let alone be a tag team. The chick playing Christie Monteiro looks like the director's second choice after Jorja Fox turned down the role. The only person mildly likable was Jon Foo as in Kazama.

He looked the part, delivered his lines horribly but when it came to his fighting scenes, this guy is the shit. And I will give this about the movie, it stayed as close as possible to the fighting style of the original game. A little nostalgic if I might add watching them perform a few moves that make me go, "Oh yeah I remember that. Cool." The fight choreography for Tekken was fine.

The only problem is that this movie is in the hands of a retard. The director's name is Dwight H. Little and the only movies he's done besides this is Halloween 4 and Anaconda 3. Wow very impressive. This fucker has no idea how to film action. Every time there is an intense moment during a fight, he pulls in his camera for a tight shot that is so shaky, even I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.

He focuses on the stupidest parts of the human body and shakes the camera like an idiot. Dude. You have girls in barely any clothing, punching and kicking and falling and flipping. And what do you zoom into? A boot or an ear. Zoom into the fucking titties! The fucking titties! It ain't rocket science bub. His constant desire for tight shots that didn't have a focus point and was shaky as hell really made the fights in Tekken redundant. Nice job asshole.

So instead of watching Tekken. Just go see WWE or something. They basically have the same premise of unbelievable, malleable story lines, cheesy writing and bad acting. At least them wrestling people know how to use a camera. Oh! BURN.

RATING: 2/10