The Spy Next Door: Review

Uhhh.. I feel kinda stupid. See I had a reunion with the uni mates, haven't seen them in weeks. We decided to see a movie. We missed Legion so we had no choice but to go for The Spy Next Door. And I was like okay lets be fair to the movie, cause mostly anyone who goes to watch this already has a preconceived idea that this movie is going to suck. So I thought I'd give it the benefit of the doubt. Guess what? It still sucked.

 

The movie is about Bob Ho, who is this top spy on loan to the CIA from the Chinese Govt. on a mission to capture this Russian bad guy. In the suburban life, he acts as a pen salesmen who's dating his next door neighbor, a hot blonde chick who has 3 children from hell played by Amber Valletta. So when Amber Valletta gets called away, Bob volunteers to babysit the 3 demon kids as his Russian nemesis tracks him down for revenge.

 

Tedious set up, completely unoriginal, we've seen this a thousand times with other fallen action heros like Vin Diesel, Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Rock bla bla bla. The movie makes no attempt to cover giant plot holes. I almost felt embarrassed sitting in that cinema thinking to myself "How the hell did I wind up paying to watch this horrible movie."  And I really felt urges to slap the people behind me who were constantly laughing at the lamest jokes in the movie.

 

Spy Next Door's only saving grace was Jackie Chan. Which could make watching this turd of a film tolerable you if you like him. So yeah like Su YSW says. "Only watch it if you are a fan of Jackie" However I still want to punch him out cause that accent is really irritating. you know.. the I'm a Chinese trying very hard to speak good English accent.

 

 

On a positive side.. I think this is the first American film Jackie has done in a long time that actually has some good fight scenes in them. And when I say good, I mean really good. I missed the old Jackie Chan fight movies that were both intense and creatively funny at the same time and yeah Spy Next Door delivered in that. There were some points in the fight scenes that I found myself actually applauding.

 

 

Another thing I will give this movie credit is that it never stooped down to the lowest rung of children comedy. There weren't any fart jokes, poop jokes, pee jokes, baby vomit jokes or pet jokes. There were occasional out of place slapstick but were inoffensive and mostly happens during the fight scenes. But it's still not that funny. 

And damn the villain lady is hot. Her names Katherine Broecher. She was like in the tightest leather outfit with a push up bra and I was like Ooooooohh... I don't think she should have been in this film. Hello? This is a kids movie! You're too damn hot. Later some 10 year old boy will discover that his thing does more than pee hahaha.

 

And like in any kids movie, I really hated the kid actors in this. They were incredibly annoying and they weren't even acting annoying. They were just legitimately truly annoying. Why can't people get good child actors anymore?

Those good fight scenes aside, there's really not much reason why anyone should pay to see this movie.  Still can't believe you paid RM120 to watch this Su hahahaha.

RATING: 2/10