WALL·E: Review

Somewhere right now, the people who made Kung Fu Panda are watching WALL·E and going, "FUCK! We were so close!"

Remember when I said that Kung Fu Panda stood a real chance to take the Oscar from Pixar this year? Yeah I'd like to retract that statement now. Wow, seriously wow. WALL·E is such a departure from anything Pixar as ever done before and I absolutely adore this film.

So the movie is about WALL·E, a waste collecting robot in a future where the Earth is so polluted, humans have left the planet until WALL·E finishes cleaning up all the garbage stuff. The years alone has made WALL·E evolve into a very peculiar character. He's fascinated with the garbage he finds and tried piecing together information through the things he comes through.

One day he meets this robot EVE (who looks like a vibrator for girls) who comes down to look for plant life and WALL·E falls in love. Through some funny circumstances, he finds himself inadvertently taken back to space with EVE and get's wrapped up in a plot bigger than  himself to save mankind.

WALL·E has gotta be the cutest Disney character they have ever made. The guy is just such a goofball of love, I want to own one so that I can squeeze the life out of it. And it's also an incredibly deep character and that says a lot since we never hear WALL·E speak. Everything we learn about him is through is body language, the tone of his beeps and his eyes. I can't respect Pixar enough for being able to do all that in one tiny character without even saying a goddam word.

And there is a lot more to this film than just WALL·E. The film is such a resemblance to the Utopian sci-fi movies from the 70's where it just blows you away with the magic and the ideas in the film which are so ahead of it's time. And there's a lot of subtext references to like EVE being the dove of Noah's Ark, WALL·E being a lot like Butades and other stuff that will just bore you but is like geekgasm to me.

And the CG is really good here. It's one of the most gritty style of animation as far as Pixar goes. It's almost a lost of innocence watching the apocalyptic world of  WALL·E. This is as close as animation can possibly get to the real thing without having that uncanny valley effect.

Remember the old Disney movies that just wows people with the sheer magic of the film, well WALL·E is the first one in a long time. When they can make a movie where the first hour has no dialog whatsoever and still get across so many emotion, character development and themes, you know that this was the work of geniuses.

The only thing that I disliked about the movie was it's overenthusiastic manner of cramming as much propaganda and lessons into it. The whole movie practically screams, "Stop polluting the planet, dumb ass." and "For God sakes please get off the couch and exercise." I wouldn't mind if the message came up a few times but it just got over preached to the point where it almost became annoying.

It's too bad Kung Fu Panda came out the same year this amazing film did to. Cause I really like Kung Fu Panda but, wow WALL·E completely blows that movie out of the park!

RATING: 9/10

Batman 3 Poster?

Found this online. I'm not sure how true it is. Looks believable though.....

You Don't Mess With The Zohan: Review

So check it out! We got a movie where Adam Sandler is a bad ass and looks like a gay dude with a mullet. What's not to like?

The story of You Don't Mess With The Zohan is simple. Adam Sandler plays Zohan, he's kind of the James Bond to the Israelis but with some mutant super powers. But his real dream is to cut hair so he fakes his own death and fly down to New York so that he can be a hairstylist.

You know, these are the kind of Adam Sandler movies I hate because their just so retardedly silly, but I found myself laughing throughout this film man. And I really did try to hate this movie. I get into about 5 minutes of a movie and they have Adam Sandler catching a fish using the gap between his butt. This movie was so so stupid but it's what ultimately makes this entertaining.

From the get go we have the filmmakers practically telling us, "Look, this is a comedy and it's going to be stupid so don't think so much and just enjoy it." And then the movie just goes and does all these crazy outrageous stuff and I really don't mind it so much cause I'm just enjoying myself brainlessly silly.

And damn there's this girl in the movie that plays the owner of the Barber shop Zohan works for.Emmanuelle Chriqui is her name and damn is she one fine looking Israeli. And I love her accent. it's sort of like Middle Eastern mixed with French or something. Grrr.

But there was one part in the movie that kind of creeped me out a bit. We get Adam Sandler in his tight Daisy Duke shorts and a disco shirt shampooing the hairs of really old women and literally shoving is crotch into their faces. We get a montage of Adam Sandler banging some old women in ways I cannot even begin to describe to you. Goddammit I think I'm scarred for life now.

And of course with any Adam Sandler movie, we will have a cameo from Rob Schneider. And I didn't mind him so much this time. It didn't feel like he was crow barred into the movie and he had a decent contribution to the plot. And he was actually kind of cute in a funny way.

What can I say, it's a stupid film but I enjoyed it for what it's worth. But I'm sure as hell never watching this shit again.

RATING: 5/10

The Love Guru: Review

Shit!!! Wait.. WHAT?? I paid to watch this turd of a film o the big screen? Fuck you Mike Myers! Fuck you!

Love Guru is about some black guy who has some issues playing hockey cause his wife is having sex with Jutin Timberlake so his manager Jessica Alba enlists the help of the Love Guru played by Mike Myers who's only doing this so he can get on Oprah. That's the plot of the movie. And it is complete shit!!!

Man fuck Mike Myers! I used to think he was cool with Shrek and Austin Powers but now I really wan to ring his neck and skin that Scottish cheese alive! The asshole not only starred in this shitty film,he wrote and directed it to. I watch this film and I can't see any parts where Mike Myers actually tried to make it intelligently funny. Ever bit of The Love Guru is practically a spit in the face for anyone who watches it. It's almost as if Mike Myers is saying, "I don't care anymore cause I'm rich." Man fuck you!

And Jessica Alba.. girl you're fine as hell but you cannot act for shit.In every movie Jessica Alba has been in, she delivers each line as if she's talking to a 7 year old kid. Like she has to speak slowly and emphasize on certain words.. Woman I don't know if that is really how you talk or that's you trying to act good, please please please stop.

And Ben Kingsley! Jesus Christ, Ben Kingsley actually stooped down this low to play a cross eyed Hindu monk in this film. People, some 20 odd years ago.. this was the same man who played Gandhi goddammit! And here we have him practically making a fool out of himself, talking in a funny Indian accent and doing that head shaking thing like he was a Bobblehead. Ben Kingsley what the hell happened to you??!!

The writing of the movie God I'm getting angry just thinking about it. The film hits everything that is lame and done before and try to pass it off as comedy. Who hasn't heard the Uranus joke or the Bangkok joke. You think you're movie qualifies to be a funny movie just cause you string together a line of shitty unoriginal jokes and padded them off with lazy slapstick?

There is only one scene that I found funny in here and that is the part where Jessica Alba does that little Indian dance and song.That was funny. But that was the only thing that I can say I liked in the movie. There is absolutely nothing else that is vaguely redeeming here.

This movie is nearly 2 hours long people. And there is nothing nice in this film. It's basically Hollywood glorifying itself by making a shitty movie and earning millions from it. This whole movie worked its way through shit to deliver the lousiest climax I have ever seen and that is two elephants fucking each other in an ice ring. Ooohhh so funny! You're such a genius Mike Myers.

To the people who were involved making this an to anyone who saw this and actually like it, "Fuck you! Fuck you're mother! Fuck you're family! Fuck you're entire neighborhood!"

RATING: 0/10